What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 02:54
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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I was very sick at this time too.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What did i know ?
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We all went to grammer schools
He knew the spot.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Put me off passion for life!!
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i lived it daily.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was seconnd youngest,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Comes on , in middle age.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I said to her
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My life is so biszare .
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I don,t even have a pension.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Would this be the day?
She loved him until the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Who then, do I blame.?
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So whats the point in blame.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.